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A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: What's Not to Love About Christmas?




What's not to love about Christmas?

Christmas is all about giving people you love (or have to love) a ton of crap to make sure the country is still in debt to fund banks and credit card companies. Then you receive a ton of crap, most of which you don’t need. Well, I do need a combination of backscratcher, massager and laser hair remover.

Then the world of popular culture has provided us with so much knowledge concerning the holiday. Die Hard taught us that if you hold a huge corporate holiday party hostage, you can (almost) commit a large-scale robbery. Just make sure you kill the New York cop who's only out there to make amends with his wife. Also, Carl Winslow probably transferred to Chicago cause they have looser policies concerning gunning down children.

If you are a female artist and you want to stay relevant, especially in your thirties, you just need to pump out a Christmas album. Also, if you used to host a morning show with Regis Philbin and want people to remember you for something other than being wine-drunk on The Today Show or having a clothing line made in sweatshops, you should also pump out a Christmas album. (Also, Frank Gifford was a big deal 50 years ago.)

If you are a floundering Hollywood studio or an out-of-work former acting star, just make a big film based on the premise of A Christmas Carol or The Gift of the Magi. If you are a minor star that has been out of work, then you need to latch onto an awful Hallmark or Lifetime Christmas movie. I saw one last week with Will Sasso, and I had to seriously check to see if he was still alive. It was a terrible film, but I watched every minute of it.

This is a throwback, but Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson had some of his most memorable comics during the holiday season. Calvin was all about getting some serious “loot” and Hobbes always got tuna. This is where I do a chest pound with my right hand, then kiss my hand followed by a point to the heavens.

It’s A Wonderful Life is extremely popular here at my headquarters in Western New York. So popular in fact, that Seneca Falls, the inspiration for the movie's Bedford Falls, has a sign welcoming Harry Bailey home. Too bad George never saved him from drowning and all those men on the transport died. #thedarkesttimeline

Christmas is the only time of the year where I drink beer all morning, and no one in my family thinks it's a problem.

My dad loves watching old Bing Crosby movies ad nauseum. It’s only because he starts the films then falls asleep 15 minutes in. Then the next night, he starts them over again. My mother absolutely hates this. She hates the Bells of St. Mary’s, White Christmas and Holiday Inn. Actually she thought It’s A Wonderful Life was godawful.

The best line in It’s A Wonderful Life is at the beginning when they are going around town, overhearing the prayers for George Bailey and his daughter ZuZu says, “I think there’s something wrong with daddy.” I laugh gangbusters. I know I am a terrible person for finding humor in seeing a man’s life get derailed.

Communism could never work. Communists don’t celebrate Christmas. (I think they don’t.)  Didn’t Senator Joseph McCarthy say they didn’t celebrate Christmas because they spent that time living in their socialist state working for their goal of equality of wealth?

Christmas is the best and not just because I get to drink beer all day. All other holidays are for amateurs.
A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: What's Not to Love About Christmas? Reviewed by Seth Pohorence on 12/18/2013 Rating: 5

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