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A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: The 6 Things on My Christmas List for Santa

OK, so I may be too old to be writing Santa Claus a Christmas list, but I am doing this as a column. This is not a normal Christmas list, — no, no, no — this is a pop culture Christmas list where I want some of my biggest dreams to come true.

Santa, I have been good this year. I haven't killed anyone or tried to invade a foreign country. I open doors for people and don’t deal drugs to children. So you better consider at least one of these wishes.

A new season of Happy Endings 
Yeah, TV execs know how to ruin shows that get no ratings but tons of praise (cough cough, Arrested Development, cough cough). Now that Arrested Development got back on the air, it's time to save Happy Endings. Granted it would be hard to do since Damon Wayans Jr. returned to New Girl and Adam Pally is on The Mindy Project, but one could dream. There's already that weird timeline where Wayans wasn't on New Girl.

A 1989 Fleer Billy Ripken card with the error on it 
Like most 8-year olds, I still collect baseball cards. Billy Ripken had a gloriously mediocre career that paled in comparison to his brother Cal. However when he posed for Fleer’s photographers in 1989 holding a bat with “FUCK FACE” written on the knob, he became a legend. I want the card my parents were never gonna buy for me.

Have NBC put David Bowie on TV for a live show 
As the floundering network thinks redoing The Sound of Music with Carrie Underwood will make us tune in and care, they should listen to me. Give the world a live time-warped performance of David Bowie doing the entire The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars album. Though you need to do it right.

Call Doc Brown and get the DeLorean to the mid-1970s and get Bowie and his band. Take them to present-day Rockefeller Center and have them perform the album as the story dictates. The key ingredient is to give them the proper set up, two blocks of cocaine, chili peppers and milk.

Speaking of altering history ...

Can John Belushi replace Jim Belushi? 
God, if you’re up there, can you bring John Belushi back from the dead and take Jim Belushi instead? Was there a mistake, God? Did you make a clerical error? Is it possible for even a Heaven Can Wait situation?

An evening with Lana Del Rey 
I’m totally into chicks who cover Bobby Vinton songs.

Have Bill Murray guest star on Community 
I know Dan Harmon wanted to get Mr. Murray to play Jeff Winger's dad, which would be epic, but this NEEDS to happen somehow. According to Bill Haverchuk, he’s the funniest man alive. I can find no fault in that statement.

Okay Santa or Jesus, you better hook me up with some of these wishes, or I will put a jihad on you. I deserve this loot.

Seth Pohorence, Esquire
A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: The 6 Things on My Christmas List for Santa Reviewed by Seth Pohorence on 12/11/2013 Rating: 5

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